21 things I learned at 21

In the midst of living, I forgot to exhale (to write)

It is quite comedic of me to say that writing is my favorite thing to do, while I don´t give it barely any time or space within my life. Well, do not get me wrong, I write here and there, one meltdown at a time, on my notes app at ungodly hours. Or maybe a paragraph in my journal that makes me think “Oh, that sounds good.”

Nevertheless, being quite the expert of self-sabotage, I am so harsh on my words, I am never satisfied with my art (writing wise), even calling it “art” right now made me delete and rewrite the word maybe 3 times.

Life as I used to know it back in October is nowhere to be seen and I was naïve enough to think that the chaos I lived for the last months of 2023 would lead me into my best essay yet written, that did not happen. This time, heartbreak and change lead me to empty Word pages and one-line long diary entries.

I realized, not that long ago, that possessive pronouns don´t taste bitter in my tongue anymore: I finally feel that the life I´m living is actually mine, it is my life and not someone else´s. Maybe you noticed how I started the previous paragraph with the word “Life”, no possessive pronoun whatsoever, well even if you did not, it was on purpose.

I am sending this essay out to the world on my birthday, August 3rd, which means I am going through the annual spiral that my birth date always brings along, as someone who has a complex relationship with the passage of time, August is always the perfect cocktail of melancholy and pondering.

Which explains the date of my last essay, 10th September 2023, I was freshly 20, with zero sense of who I was, take my words from that said essay as an example, “it´s an ongoing journey of finding myself, soon to be twenty years old and I think I haven´t met her.” Yet, here I am, on the verge of 21 and I have never felt more like myself: so here are 21 things I learned on the last 21 years of my life, you might need to read some of these too, who knows.

1. Don’t force yourself into places you don’t fit in.

Forcing myself to be in certain places, or to hang out with certain people, or even to be someone I am not, only brought me headaches. Once I learned that, simply, there are some places I don´t belong, it brought me a whole new perspective, that eventually led me to places and people that gave me a sense of belonging. And hey, this lesson led me to transfer from my previous Bachelor´s degree to the one I´m soon to get my diploma next year!

2. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, be kind.

I know how cliché this quote sounds, but just because it is cliché does not mean it is not true. A few years ago I watched a Norwegian show called Skam and my favorite character, Noora, kept a sticky note above her mirror with this exact same quote, it never left my mind and I live by it. (I´m pretty sure I cut my hair into a bob for the first time because of her)

3. Your friends are actually the love of your life.

The end of 2023 brought what I thought was going to be the end of the world - the end of a long term relationship. Yes, it was the end of something, but to me it was the beginning of one of the biggest lessons of my twenties so far: my friends are the actual loves of my life, especially my girlfriends that have healed me, either by crying with me or just throwing me into the dancefloor.

4. Don’t adjust your boundaries to accomodate disrespect.

Read that again.

5. Fake it until you make it.

Ever since I read these statement somewhere, it just stuck, of course these words can be interpreted in many ways, to me it has always been a life motto when it comes to public speaking. Oral presentations were my worst nightmare back in middle school and even high school, but once I started telling myself “Fake it ´till you make it”, shaking the anxiety off me and just pretending that I actually feel comfortable in front of crowds, it eventually became true.

6. Go to as many concerts as possible.

And this lesson I dedicate to my father who took my 12-year-old self to the concert of my favorite band at the time, in Spain and we slept at the airport to catch the first flight in the morning. Live music will always be the ultimate solace to me.

7. “O não é garantido” - The “no” is guaranteed 

This is a very famous Portuguese saying that always pushes me to try, to throw myself at opportunities and situations, even if the outcome is uncertain. We might fail, the consequences of our actions are never 100% predictable, the “no” is guaranteed, but what if we hear a “yes”?

8. You once prayed to be in the place you’re right now, enjoy the here.

9. Money comes back, memories don´t.

Self-explanatory, this has been my motto for 2024, I am very cautious with how I spend my money but it got to a point where I felt physically sick when I spent it on something for myself, because “what if I need this money for an emergency?”. Building a healthier relationship to money was one of my goals this year and on the 8th month of the year I can say that memories truly are priceless. Get that overpriced coffee and that plane ticket!

10. Don’t miss out on things just because you have no company.

Ever since I went to my first concert by myself, mostly because I got the ticket 1 hour before the show (Long live, Love on tour and Harry Styles), I felt that from that moment on I could go anywhere alone and have fun.

11. “Poucos mas bons” - Few, but good

Another Portuguese saying that everyone who grew up in Portugal has probably heard one hundred times and to me is a universal truth. Who would rather be surrounded by an infinite list of people they know, but do not care about your wellbeing, rather than having 2, 3, 4 friends you know you could call and they would be at your door in a heartbeat? I stick with “few, but good.”

12. Times heals.

13. You will change the world, even if just your own world.

I have always wanted to change the world, in a “end all wars and the see patriarchy perish” way. Sadly, as I grow older I have realized how hard that is, I still have this urge to make the world a better place. I know I won´t make the Earth turn in the opposite way, but I can change my own world and do everything that is in my power to help others: speak out, strike, vote, boycott and stay educated.

14. Life won’t end in your 20’s.

Ever since I turned 18 I felt like I was racing against time, always feeling like I was missing out and not living life to the fullest. The times have changed and I have realized that life won´t end in my twenties (duh), maybe it´s society that romanticizes youth so much that got me to believe that once you turn 30 you have a foot on the grave, what a joke. I have so much to live for.

15. You aren’t responsible for anyone’s mental health, other than your own.

16. Don´t polish incessantly the doorknob, you’ll forget to open the door.

A few weeks ago I was watching a conversation between Martin McDonagh and Taylor Swift on Variety´s Youtube channel. They talked about cinema; directing; art, yet what really touched me was what Taylor said as she meditated about her creative process and how she has realized how fulfilled she feels as she creates more and more, “you don´t have to polish the doorknob so long that you forget to open the door.” she said. Those words have lived on my notes app since then, I have been polishing what I write for far too long.

17. It’s okay if you don’t want to drive.

A year ago I got my driver´s license, after crying in both the lessons and the exam. Guess what? Nowadays I don´t drive, in fact I hate it and that is okay.

18. “Vivo desassosegado e escrevo para desassossegar” - I live in disquiet and I write to disquiet

Wise words from my favorite author, José Saramago. For me, living in disquiet or being restless, whatever you want to call it, is natural to me, writing is what taught me how to handle this agitation that lives within. I gotta keep writing.

19. “I’m just a girl”, enjoying things that are deemed as “girly” is more than okay.

When I was a little girl liking skirts, or sparkly things, or pink, or boybands was something that others made fun of, so I started to avoid everything that was considered to be “too girly”. As I navigate womanhood I am learning the way back to all the things I always loved and gave me comfort, being like other girls is beautiful.

20. Just because it’s Winter, it doesn’t mean you have to be miserable.

As the Summer child that I am, the seasonal depression creeps in as the days grow shorter and the warm weather is replaced with rain and Winter jackets. However, if I keep allowing the weather to dictate how I feel I will spend half of the year mourning Summer, while simultaneously waiting for the next one to come around, what a waste of time.

21. Other’s people actions say a lot about them, not about you.

Once this lesson got into my brain, life got so much easier. Why bother with how others act, it has nothing to do with you. It is freeing to live life like this.

I am still terrified of how time flies, but the truth is that the clock will not stop, the days will still pass even if I do not cross them out on the calendar. I am 21 and so much will happen, but you know what? It is still August, one of the many Augusts of my life.

to live for the hope of it all*, right?

July ´24, Parede Beach (last portrait at twenty)

*Reference to Taylor Swift´s song August